More and more research is showing that a top-down (cognitive based) approach is not enough for people to heal. For anyone who is struggling in their lives, their bodies hold the stress of being them.
Our nervous systems, brains, physical tensions and facial expression are all tell tale signs of an under-supported individual life. What is called for here is more awareness in every individual about the tension, freezing and distress in our bodies so that we may better learn how to support them with our breathing, posture and awareness.
When we cannot stay with discomfort, we end up being driven by it. If we are stuck in our lives, there are physical sensations (usually intolerable ones) that we need support to feel and respond to--rather then be driven by.
Relationality: more then just a buzzword
A great deal of contemporary research is showing us that attachment trauma occurs when, as children, we are not interacted with by significant others (often family) with sensitivity to who we really are and what's actually going on with us. More often then not, this is not something parents and caretakers do out of malice, but rather a generational phenomena--a parent cannot give the emotional support they themselves have not received. In relational work the relationship between therapist and client becomes a new safe and honest space to become more aware of the ways earlier relationships have moulded your perception of yourself and your world. From there we can begin to question their accuracy.
Many people start therapy, not liking or valuing themselves that much--whether they're aware of it or not. This will inevitably interfere with their ability to be in relationship with others. How come? If we can't support ourselves enough to value and understand our own unique reality, then we will also struggle to hear and value the unique experiences of others.
Being relational also means that I know my presence is having an impact on you. This means that our relationship becomes the context in which different aspects of you will emerge and retreat. Together we can learn together about all the quirks and quarks of you being you with me.
full of paradox
Always grumpy with others? Maybe you're being too generous with people. Tired of playing it nice? Getting in touch with your anger might actually bring some relief to those around you. Out of control? You may not be giving yourself enough slack.
Based on the paradoxical theory of change, Gestalt works on the premise that we cannot change our situations until we have deeply accepted and understood exactly where we are starting out. Another way of saying this is that as soon as our relationship with a challenge has changed, the challenge may no longer be perceived as an obstacle. Maybe more like the playground equipment for your life...
This is an important difference from other approaches where will-power is held to be the arbiter of success. Although it's hard to not be drawn to models in which we can triumph over our challenges with effort and more effort, where a lot of people misstep is in not owning their real limitations. Contrary to how this may sound, this does not mean giving up, but instead starting on the firmer ground or real-life limitations--and growing from there.
